Why do 10 hats feel lighter than 1?

I have been struggling with defining the 'new me' for the past two years.  When I moved away from the farm, I felt a bit like I was torn from my own identity.  Working at the farm had become so much of who I was, how I described myself, and even how I judged my own worth.  When we left, I found myself scratching my head as to what to do next and which direction to look toward.  The first year away had the added complication of being only a stepping stone.  Knowing that we wouldn't be staying there gave me a reprieve in framing out my new life.  So, I spent that year nesting, caring for my 3 year old (who was home with me) managing our house, and working in drips and drabs for the farm.  Summer came around, and we were back at the farm for the season, and then last fall, we moved to our new home.  No longer a stepping stone, but home, for the long haul.  The pressure was on.

I have not come to any conclusions a year later about the 'new me'.  Still, I have certainly started to piece together what makes this process so difficult.  It has a lot to do with all the hats I wear.  I still work at the farm, actually (maybe not surprisingly?) I'm finding more that I can do, not less.  My 'telecommuting' time  is consistent, I rarely have a day when I'm not fielding a few emails, phone calls, or tasks related to the farm.  Many days, I spend an hour or more dealing with farm stuff.  Add to that the summer season on site and an average of at least one weekend a month in the rest of the year, and the farm is still a solid part time job.  Volunteering/helping out in my husbands dental office once a week (sometimes twice) throws another hat into the mix.  Mom stuff- well, any moms out there know that it never ends-- I think it's fair to call it a full time job even for mom's who also somehow manage a full time job.  We are miracle workers, really, in our ability to go from one thing to the next, always ticking off that list that floats perpetually in the back of our mind.  Landlord is another hat.  Home repair guru.  Dog tender. School volunteer, community volunteer, sunday school teacher.  It is really a lot. and yet i don't always feel like it's enough.

What's missing, I think, is a short concise answer to the question, "What do you do?"  I hate that question.  It brings a surge of anxiety in me that I don't know what to do with.  Nothing seems like the right answer, no matter how I approach it, I sound scattered, and in my mind I picture the thoughts of person listening to my response:  

She dabbles in life.

She's a lady of leisure.  

She's living off her husband. 

She can't commit to a career.  

She's a stay at home mom who's trying to sound like something more...

Am I crazy?  Why is it that I can't settle in to wearing a slew of different hats, living full and productive days, and knowing that it is enough.  What-the-hell-is-my-problem!?

I am going to channel the little blue engine's attitude, and plow forward...

 It IS Enough.  It IS Enough.  It IS Enough.