A letter to my son as he prepares to graduate:

Shared with permission from my son, because these are conversations we need to have- all of us. Our children are unique, and the specifics of these conversations are also unique, but sometimes it helps to hear one person's version. It is in that spirit that I share this:

Hello sweet one.

I’ve got some things to say to you as you get ready to graduate, and I’ve decided to write them to you, in case you read this and think—"I know, Mom..."
If you keep it, maybe you'll read it again every so often. These things I have to say are important, and although you know them, it takes practice to live them. More than that, actually. Even though you know them, this world puts a lot of effort into making you forget them, helping you forget them... even rewarding you for forgetting them. If you find that happening, I hope you will read this letter again, and I hope it will help.

#1. I am always on your team. I love you and your brother more than any other people on this planet, and my wish for you has always been the same- I want you to thrive, and I'm invested in helping, always. That means you can ask me hard questions and I will give you hard truths if you want them. It also means you can ask me to listen and keep my advice to myself. It means my arms are open and I will be here to support you as you step into a life that is more separate from me.

#2. Choose the risks you take, don’t let someone else choose them for you. When you were in fourth grade, you had a class assignment that involved creating an auto-biography, and one of the sections of the worksheet asked if you identified as a leader or a follower. I remember reading your response, that you were a follower, and thinking how it seemed (to me) to be true and false at the same time. You are so devoted to your friends. I see the love you have for them, and I’m sure they have that love for you, too. That devotion has been a gift to all of you, as you’ve helped each other navigate high school and all the challenges that come with growing through adolescence. Over the years I’ve seen you look around for clues to fit in, and I’ve seen you make decisions to follow sometimes, but I’ve also seen clarity in you for a long time. You know who you are, you have a deep sense of equity, and you are so, so kind. Those are qualities of a leader. Leading can feel lonely sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with choosing to follow if it’s thoughtful, but when it comes down to it, you – and only you– should make the big choices about your own life. If someone is asking you to follow, take the time to first check in with the leader in your heart and make sure that’s the right call. Trust your gut. If you need an excuse, I can ‘pretend to visit’ ANYTIME.

#3. Be a good man. I know you have never wanted to talk with me about crushes, or dates. I don’t know much, even now, about the young woman you are dating (though she seems nice and you seem happy), but I do know that you have grown up in a time where pornography is a click away, where our communications happen through text messages and snap chats as much as they do in person, and where people curate their image of themselves online. You know this world better than I do, but I know the world that existed before cell phones and the internet, and I worry about love and intimacy in this new world.

Media and Pornography: I know this is a weird thing to bring up in a graduation letter, but sweetie, it doesn’t help any of us that something so pervasive doesn’t ever get talked about. Shame and Silence are dangerous. In general, a lot of the the messages in the media, and particular in porn- are toxic. Women, for example, don't-by default- like to be spanked, have their hair pulled, or handled with force, yet images like that are prevalent in porn, so, with real life human beings, don’t assume that it's ok to treat them that way. Don't assume that someone wants to see a sexual image from you or wants to send one to you. Intimacy with another person demands communication, and even if it feels a little awkward at first, the more you communicate the easier it gets (for both people!). Ask First. Don’t assume you know what your partner likes, or needs in order to feel safe and good.

People aren't always as confident as they might seem. If you are in an intimate moment and the woman you are with starts to seem quieter than usual, or stops making eye contact, CHECK IN WITH HER. It isn’t enough to expect her to say something if she’s not comfortable. Ask her if she feels comfortable, give her the option to stop. Be extra respectful, extra communicative. Trust your gut if things start feeling off, because people matter more than 'getting off'. Don’t brag about sex. Don’t hit-on people when they’re drunk. If someone says no to you, respect her answer, don't keep pushing and coercing. Don’t believe the world when it tells you this kind of stuff is normal. It’s not. And this all goes for you, too. Just because you are a guy, does not mean you always feel comfortable with what's unfolding. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, that means you are human. Consent matters- for everyone.

Sex is a great thing, casual sex is fine as long as it’s consensual, but the electricity that you feel in your whole body when you first hold hands with someone you really like, or when you first kiss, is a whole different game. Respect everyone you choose to be intimate with, and when you fall in love, prioritize them just like you always have done with your friends and family. And. Expect the same from them. You are amazing. It’s worth being patient and finding someone who sees that about you, and treats you well.

#4. Use your privilege. I think you get this, but it’s easier said than done in our world. (This gets back to that leader vs. follower thing, too.) The simple fact of the matter is that we live in a world where being born male, being born white, being born straight, cis-gendered, upper middle-class.. each of those things is a like getting a wild card in the card game of life. It doesn’t mean you haven’t worked hard for the things you have, or that you don’t face challenges, or that bad things don’t happen to you, but it does mean that doors tend to open for you when they are less likely to open for people not holding those wild cards. I hope you will continue to learn to see those doors, and to look for ways to hold them open for the people who can’t get through them as easily. This work takes intention. You need to read about the experiences of marginalized people, and listen when they name inequity, you need to always remember that being raised with privilege makes it hard to see the privilege you have. A lot of the musicians you love speak truth to power on the issue of racism, but you need to do more than listen to music. Push for change—in yourself and in the people around you.

#5. Get excited for changes in direction, mistakes, and living cheap! You have such big dreams, and I feel so lucky that I get to watch you chase them, and to catch some of them! You are taking charge of these first steps in a way that seems brave and fearless, and I think that’s awesome. I have no idea what will work out and what will not, but just remember that you will learn as much from the failures as you will from the successes in your life. Some of the worst moments in my own life became the source of immeasurable growth for me, and that is a common experience amongst the most resilient people I know. Bad shit happens. I hate thinking about that being true for you, but it is unavoidable, so trust me when I tell you that there is a way forward, even from the most difficult experiences.

Sweetheart, when I think about you moving out into the world, my heart aches, but I also feel unbelievably lucky that I get to be your mom. I know this is a big time of transition, but I also know that you are still mine, always mine. I am so proud of you. I am so excited for you.

I love you.

~Mom